Gay marriage is kind of queer. Pt.2

Q:  Couldn’t it just be more true that you are angry with the government taking our side for once?


A: Um…No? Not at all? Never? I’m trying to word that in a way that removes any doubt about my initial answer. Can we all, pitchforks and pompons (yes, it is pompons and not pompoms) alike, pause for a moment and realize what has just been said? Dear LGBTQIA, I’m actually going to bat for you on this one, so enjoy it.

No, I’m not upset that they “took your side”. As a matter of fact, you should be the angry one. I might just be letting my conservatism show a bit too much,  but I also feel that I’m incredibly reasonable on this one. You can’t seriously believe the government had your back on this one, can you? I’ll tell a little story and I want you to point out the obvious flaw.

I am a wealthy man. A man with the power to seemingly make anything happen on a whim. The power wasn’t really earned(well it kinda was, it just took a lot of lying and a whole lot of smiles), and the wealth I have accumulated has come directly out of the pocket of those around me. I see a group of homeless people on the street begging for food. It really strikes a chord deep within my soul. I must take action! I run to the nearest store, buy tons of food, then set up a stand right beside the beggars. With a huge grin on my face, I offer them all of the food I have…for a price. The homeless people, who shouldn’t have to beg for food in the first place and would have money to pay if I hadn’t taken it all, throw me on their shoulders and we parade until the sun goes down. I’m a good, nay, great man. 

Is it becoming clear? If “The Man” really had your best interest at heart, then why do you still have to pay them a fee to enjoy this “right” you have acquired? If all they wanted was for love to win, why does money have to change hands? Could it be they saw a chance to win some brownie points and line their pockets? I can’t totally blame them since we are in, like, a gazillion dollars of debt. Don’t you see? They are desperate for cash and they are willing to jump on your seemingly legitimate concerns for your human rights to score a few bucks off of you. They are trivializing all of your years of protesting and hard work by turning it into a cash grab. Do you think your pioneers at Stonewall really had it in mind to pay out of pocket for this? These are a lot of questions that really do need answers, and that is good news.

Ask away. Local politicians, federal level pigs, ask them all. Demand an answer! That’s a right, too! I’d be curious to see what kind of response, if any, that you get. Bad guys don’t have to answer questions, though. They just give orders. When does Darth Vader ever sit down and try to reason with the people? When did Ultron ever try to stop and listen to the people? Heck, Napoleon just ran Snowball off of the farm when he began to be inquisitive. Now, all of this might leave you feeling a bit perturbed or hopeless, but I think this is where the hope begins to show.

Gays and straights shouldn’t need the government to legitimize their partnership in the first place. We are busy fighting and tossing Twitter bombs at each other when we could be aiming our cursors at the real bad guys.

But Cameron, how do you know they are bad guys? Because they lie on a regular basis to get what they want and rest content thinking we are too dumb to figure it out.

But how do you know they lie!?!? And please don’t ever call me dumb… I wasn’t calling you dumb, I’m saying they think you are and I KNOW you aren’t. Let me place my most compelling piece of evidence in front of you. Marriage “license”. You see?! They just did it! Right there! They lied! License?! Are you kidding me?!

Cam, I think you need to explain yourself. License is the word we use. Yes, and words means things! The word “license” comes from the word “licentiousness“. This means to grant permission of something that is generally immoral or unethical.

For example, James Bond needs a license to kill. Killing is generally bad, but when you are a secret agent starring in an action movie you will need the freedom to be able to shoot your way out of a sticky situation. He needs a “license” for that. What is so immoral about being married? What is unethical about driving? What about this other list of absurd things that require a license? They tried to sneak a fast one by all of us, LGBTQIA or straight. Perhaps I’d cut them some slack if they just went ahead and called it “obligatory revenue stream”(ORS for short) instead of “license”. Maybe then, they could have their word and we could have ours. (Are you starting to see a trend with me?) Words mean things, people. It’s similar to a restaurant offering a chocolate shake and really serving you a cup of mud. You have a reasonable expectation to be angry. If they told you up front that they only offer mud in a cup and you still bought it, then shame on you. The government has offered us a cup of mud while dressing it up as a life-saving shake time and time again. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m throwing mine on the ground and demanding a refund.


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